WIT AND HUMOR – A FUNNY SITE BY BOB WAYNE

A few years back, I thought I was going to come into a great deal of money (I didn’t). Well, as any sensible middle-aged guy would do, I went out looking at sports cars. The Diva and I went straight to the Lotus/Jaguar dealership.

I believe I can state with authority that Lotus sports cars were designed implicitly to embarrass the hell out of middle-aged men. Because there’s nothing more pathetic than watching a middle-aged man try to squeeze his frumpy,bloated middle-aged almost-corpse into a car that only a fourteen year old gymnast could get in and out of gracefully.

After five minutes of huffing and puffing my way into the car, I felt like I was sitting in a roller skate. Now, there was a time (probably twenty years ago) when I would have thought that was the coolest thing on the planet. Not any more. I prefer my sports cars with a little more creature comforts. And I really don’t want to be admiring an SUVs tailpipe. From underneath it.

So when I finally got my, did I mention “bloated and frompy’ ass out of the car, the salesman had the decency not to laugh uproariously in my face. Instead he simply remarked, “It’s a fine sports car, sir. Would you be interested in a test drive?”

No.

I immediately walked over to a midnight blue Jaguar XK convertible and began admiring the chrome. “You know, I’ve always loved Jag-wars,” I drawled.

“Yes,” my salesman responded. “The Jag-U-ar has always been a fine automobile for discriminating gentlemen. We have a large selection in the basement of the building if you’d care to follow me.”

I’m still waiting to buy my Jag -u-ar. Have you heard my theme song?