BOB WAYNE’S WEBLOG

Everyone has strange friends. At least I hope so. It keeps life from turning drab and grey.
Take, for instance, my friend, Dawn the Glamour Queen. We were chatting on the phone the other day. I mentioned that I did a four hour search engine optimization training with a woman who’s husband is a dermatologist.
The woman [...]

Billy Mays is the most annoying person on TV. If anyone in the developed world disagrees with me it’s because they are deaf. Or dead.
I’ve always had a fondness for the mute button on my remote control. I consider it the greatest invention of the Twentieth Century, right after microwave popcorn.
And Billy Mays has [...]

…and I don’t mind saying I’ve missed her terribly. However, it’s also been a good experience for me. I have a tendency to get intellectually lazy.
Lisa has an IQ well above mine and so I tend to rely on her for technological solutions. She’s an extraordinary problem solver. There’s a damned good reason her [...]

That’s right…spatulas. I’ve got five of them in my utensil drawer. Do they breed? Are they spreading like the Black Plague?
And that’s just the normal ones. You know, the kind you’d flip your pancakes or burgers with. Then there’s the flexible rubber ones and the metal ones that look like a boat rudder. And what [...]

What the hell was she thinking? Did her dad (Tony Curtis) do commercials? Did her mom (Vivien Leigh) do commercials? Does the Pope bear wood in the forest? Hell, I don’t know but I’ve probably just offended a half dozen Catholics. But that’s okay because I’m watching The Tudors and the Pope is just not [...]

Last night the Diva Drew and I were watching a little TV. Luckily, our video coma was interrupted by previews of a movie called “The Ruins”.
Oh my god, the previews were so bad we thought it was a gag commercial. You know, like the ones they do on Saturday Night Live. We kept waiting for the punch line.
First, [...]

The Diva Drew and I were watching TV the other night and a commercial came on for Levitra.They mentioned in the commercial that we could find Levitra in the latest issue of This Old House. How cool is that? You can erect a house with Levitra! That’s some potent shit, man!

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I don’t know how many of you are sci-fi fans. If you’re a fan of the defunct TV show Firefly or if you are fond of the movie derived from the show called Serenity, then you are probably familiar with the term “bright & shiny”.
In this fictional world created by Joss Whedon, if something is going well [...]

Actually, the title is a bit of a misnomer. Most people who live in Minnesota would interpret that to mean, “OH MY GAWD! Will winter never end?” Or “I want to hack and shred small furry animals and gnaw on their dead, crusty corpses!” Well, maybe that’s not how most Minnesotans get but I sometimes [...]

My friend Dawn was over one Friday night lot too long ago for Sci-fi Night. The Diva Drew made a spectacular dinner, as always, and Dawn brought caramel corn (or carmal corn, as we Midwesterners pronounce it). During dinner, the conversation turned to cats.
“I miss my cat,” Dawn remarked.
“So do I,” the Diva returned.
“You miss my [...]

Claustrophobic feet are caused by Fuzzy Slipper Syndrome, a typically Minnesotan disease caused by “freeze-your-ass-off” temperatures. The tendency here is to spend the entire winter with your feet encased in fuzzy slippers to ward off the arctic blasts that shred their way across Canada and crash into Minnesota after warming up to a balmy 30-below zero.
The only [...]

I just saw a piece on the news about The Naked Cowboy. He’s the guy who stands around in New York’s Times Square in his tighty-whities, cowboy boots and cowboy hat playing guitar and singing. That’s not news. I’m sure we’ve all seen him on TV at one time or another or at least heard [...]

Yes, it’s Valentines Day. And I stand before you as a hopeless romantic (still firmly ensconced in the closet). I refuse to “come out” for fear of reprisals by Muslim extremists and Evangelicals bent on the destruction of romance and sex. (I have no desire to pro-create. Been there, done that.)
However, I do love to [...]

I was talking to my friend Susan this afternoon. She told me she was going to the liquor store tonight to get herself “a box of drunken tramp”. Then between giggles she told me, “I’ll be the prettiest gal in the trailer park!”
I have weird friends, thank the gods.
Take for instance my friend Dawn. We met in [...]

I’ll be dropping the Diva off at the airport around 4 o’clock today. The Rose Ensemble will be performing their new show, The Secret Society of Notre Dame in Birmingham, Alabama tomorrow night. I’m a tad worried about the tornadoes they’re having down there but the Diva Drew knows no fear. She’s ready to rock!
She gave me [...]

I get the biggest kick out of their description: A non-partisan, non-profit grassroots taxpayer advocacy organization for Minnesota. “Non-partisan”? “Non-profit”? That’s like saying the Jewish Defence League is non-denominational. Or the Pope’s not a Catholic.
This is an organization of cheap Republicans who want everything (like government services, street lights, police, fire, top-notch schools, parks, nice [...]

I learned a new phrase today. Ready kids? It’s “Youth-impaired.”
Excuse my French but, “What the fuck?”
Youth-impaired? If 50 is the new 30, I’m going to go find the bastard that came up with that line and bitch-slap him ’til his teeth rattle. If it’s a woman, I’ll give her a “super-sized” piece of my mind. What’s left [...]

You know, it takes brass balls to put up with Minnesota winters. It’s like the relationship from hell. Every time you walk out the door you get slapped.
I had a nurse tell me a few years back that Minnesota drunks and drug addicts are much more responsible here than almost anywhere else. When I asked her why, she [...]

I found a note on my desk this morning. It said, “Next blog post - Bottom of the Barrel Baby Boomer”. Cool. Problem is, I have no idea what the brilliant thought was behind this post idea.
ADD sucks. It’s definitely not a great way to operate your life. However, it does have it’s benefits. And as soon [...]

I went to grab my shaving cream this morning out of the bottom cabinet in the bathroom. A bolt of pain shot through my back that just about sent me flying over the toilet. I won’t deny that getting older has it’s benefits. However, aches, pains, creaks, groans, and general decrepitness ain’t part of the benefits package.
But [...]